Hey dude

Since the last time I posted, I think I cut my hair only three times. That’s not a whole lot of times, so I’m not too concerned. Besides, just a whole lot of stuff has happened so I can’t be blamed for every little thing that goes wrong in your life. Sure, overall I’m probably part of the problem. I’ll go out of my way and point them out, even, so as to get ahead of the accusations:

I didn’t close the door completely. rather, I closed it but it didn’t click. This allowed not only for heat to get out, but also your gila monster which you had yet to register at the exotic pets center. Though it didn’t bite anyone, it caused a kid to totally do a header off his Next.

I dropped your iPhone in sauce. This will be your sixth iPhone in so many months. I admit I did it, but you can’t deny: Ended up being some fiiiiiine sauce.

The best I could do was “yeah that sounds about right” when you told me your uncle died. My insensitivity caused you to drop the phone while driving, which landed smack-dab in (what are the odds) a bag of warm sauce.

I know there have been more, but as I said, I don’t have the time to reroute my own culpability in all matters that I was the prime transgressor in recent months. It would take me all night and I don’t think your laptop has enough battery power to get through them all. You weren’t using it and mine has been confiscated by Best Buy for what they are calling “blatant misuse”